Hurt and Vulnerability

In high school I started dating my brother's best friend. It actually wasn't a bad relationship, and we spent the first year being fairly "pure". Not as pure as we could have been, but we definitely weren't having sex. Our first anniversary brought that decision though... and boy howdy was that a mistake. Not only because it changed our relationship for the worse, but because it lead to what has become such a huge vulnerability in my life in regards to the church.

In Early August of 2005, while planning to move to Connecticut to be with my family(who had moved a year earlier) I found out I was pregnant. It was a shock. A huge horrible, no good, news you never want to hear, shock. I immediately called my ex-boyfriend(we broke up but continued sleeping together) and told him the "grand" news. He flipped out. My reaction wasn't a whole lot better and I actually contemplated {for a very, very brief moment} having an abortion. Instead I called my Godmother, who was actually in the hospital recovering from a hysterectomy. I'm not sure that the nurses knew what to do with me when I showed up there to crawl in bed with her as a sobbing mess. But when a girl needs her Godmother, she just needs her <3

Then I came home and called my parents. I don't remember their responses ever being disappointed. I knew they were, but they sure as heck didn't show it, they showed only love. My dad even called the next day to make sure that I knew he would still always love me(that's cause I'm his favorite daughter ;) But in my still reeling mess I confided in someone at church that I thought I could trust, one of the deacons of the church with whom I'd always had a good relationship. I wanted to know the best way to bring it up to my ex's dad, and how we should have the conversation. Instead, he went and had the conversation for us, without our knowledge. What could have been a controlled mess because a huge shit storm overnight. I don't think I even ever had a face to face conversation with his parents until I was in the hospital having a miscarriage 10 days later, and then it was only his dad. His mother hated me, and no joke accused me of ruining her son's life.

And then I moved to Connecticut and I thought it was over, done, behind me. Hahahaha

I went back to Maryland for a short trip in November and found out that my ex and I had been a central part of a talk with the elders, youth leaders, and his parents about how to "clean up" the youth group. Then they made my ex go before the church and repent for having pre-marital sex, at which time they also told the entire congregation that I had fabricated a story about being pregnant in order to seek attention and to get my ex back. Lied. Made up the loss of a child. My child. A not planned for or initially wanted child, but still a loved child.

These were people that I trusted. Youth leaders who had shepherded me for 3 years of my teen life. A deacon who I actually had a pretty close relationship with and who had given me much guidance. An ex boyfriend who should have stuck up for me. Instead, when I confronted them it was all turned around on me, and made to be my issue. There was no correction of my character in front of the congregation, no genuine apology. There still never has been, from anyone except for my ex boyfriend and that only came in the past year.

That baby boy would have turned seven this past Spring.